It's been a long time since I've posted anything, and I don't know why.  Almost 2 years has past since my last post, and...well...looking back at a number of old posts, I can't help but laugh at how stupid they were.  I guess one never realizes how immature they sound until they read back on journal entries.  All the "WTF's" and "OMFG's" seem so out of date now, so when I read over all my old posts, I can't help but to cringe in disgust.

But what brings me back to Live Journal so suddenly even has me confused.  I don't know if I did it unconsiously, on a whim or out of spite.  It could be a mixture of all three.  I remember Kylie telling me to read Live Journal the other day for not knowing she was no longer at Target, and I responded that I never get on, but now that it's 1:37 in the morning, and Facebook has gotten boring for the time being and I'm FINALLY growing out of that stupid Gaia habit of mine, the only other site I could think of to get my kicks was Live Journal.  If none of my past friends who use to have an account are no longer on here, I think I'll just be fine.  At least I can still post my thoughts.  Although, I have 4 journals to fill up.  The one Tai got me for graduation, and the one Carey got me too.  Then there's the one Chelsea got me for Christmas.  And let's not forget the Fruits Basket one I bought way back in tenth grade with stupid entries claiming how bored I was during my physical science class.

Anyways...I guess it would be okay to post this online, since I have yet to write it any where else.  I just feel that if I write it, it's finally saying, "The End."  But what I'm getting at is that Tai and I ended our relationship last Saturday after 7 months and some odd weeks.  It would have been 8 months today.  There's nothing about the relationship I regret.  But if I did have to say I regretted something, it was that we did nothing to improve it...just let it die out.  Although people tell me to move on, that he's not treating me as he should, I can't help but feel that there's something hiding within him that he so strongly wants to express about me, that's keeping him back.  I knew that was the case a month before we got together.  The only thing that kept him at bay was his girlfriend at the time, but when she broke up with him, he was able to show how much he cared.  I miss those times.  If I could go back, I would.  The beginning was the best time of our relationship.  I just wish that I would stop dreaming of him now.  The way we ended the relationship, the way he told me he felt it wasn't right to be in one with me if he didn't even have time and that it wasn't going anywhere for the time being makes me feel that he definitely did not want to end it that way.  If only those dreams would stop.  All of them!  The past two nights I've had nothing but hopeful and good dreams with him in them.  I just want to move on...be his friend again...and find that guy who is destined to be my soul mate.  I want to find the one who will love me unconditionally and be devoted to me as I will be.  I never once turned away from Tai and was devoted to him and loved only him.  I just wanted to see him happy.  And I still do.  But most importantly, I just want to make the ones I love happy, especially the man I hope to marry.  Sometimes all my shpills about love seem in vain since I'm so afraid to follow my heart.  I feel that I only got with Tai because we were friends first.  I see so many other relationships where the couples weren't friends yet and just started dating, but for some reason, I can't bring myself to try and do that.  Tai was the first to make me comfortable with myself.  Take away all my doubts.  Ease my self-conscience...but now...I feel I'm back to square one.  That no matter how many men there may be on this campus, there's none that will make me feel as wonderful as Tai.  Like I was an actual person.  Sure, I have friends who make me feel like that, but it's not the same as someone I want to love in a symbiotic way.  Someone I want to marry, have a family with, grow old with.  

Though I seem to be surrounded by a majority of friends who do not want to have children, I've always been the opposite.  When I would not get my period for the month, I worried if something was wrong with me.  But now, everytime I do get it, I rejoice because there is one more sign that everything is okay with me and that I'm able to have children.  I don't know what made me talk about this, but all in all, I really did love him, and though I mask it well, I still hurt at times.  Kaylee was right though, I shouldn't think about him at night.  It doesn't help.  Especially when I start typing things like this. 

After seeing Hairspray again, I can't help but laugh at the fact that Tracey got Link.  Makes me think about my chances with a guy as cute and truly caring like Link's character.  I like to believe I'm similar to Tracey, but not when it comes to love.  Not that it's really a matter, but I have a friend in Arizona who is a complete stud, really sweet too, but I guess that's what makes me think like that.  But it really shouldn't matter because he's in Arizona, I'm here, and I really don't think I'm going to trust in long distance relationships again.  Anyways...I think he's just serving as a rebound in my mind.  I talk about him and how good looking his is, but then, I go right back to Tai.  I feel horrible for letting myself use him as a rebound, but he doesn't know, so it's okay.  It's not like he likes me any more.  I knew him before he moved there.  He told me that I made him jealous with my picture of Tai and I.  I couldn't help but think how adorable.  I had never made anyone jealous in all my life.  I still think it's adorable.  I guess...I'll always see him as a really good friend...nothing more...unless somehow...he miraculously come here.  Hah!  Highly doubt it.

Anyways...this is such a long post after 2 years of not posting.  All I wanted to do was say HI and BYE and then go to bed, but here I am still typing.  I guess, as a good note, I'm losing some weight.  I don't know how much, but I am.  I just need a scale so I can keep track and make better goals.  My true goal is down by 2 pant sizes by the time I leave here for the summer.  It's a long shot, but here goes nothing.  With Lent in the air and no sweets or junk food whatsoever, I'm hoping to lose at least 5 pounds.  I lost 10 the first year I did it...the years after that were a bit more difficult, but I'm still doing it again, and this time, strictly staying to it.  Maybe even after Lent.  I just makes me feel so good after the fact.  I'm on a bet with a friend back home, so here's to beating him.  (Hopefully.)  But seriously now...I'm going to bed.  If I come back to the site in the morning, I'm going to go through and get rid of all my ridiculous old posts and start anew.  Asides from the ones that are meaningful to me.